I LOL'd. A whole f**king lot.

Just trust me, read the whole thread. Some of the replies are funny as hell too

 

OMG i almost fell out of my chair i was laughing so hard. that has got to be one of the best threads ever

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by jamminj
The worst is when you gotta **** mad crazy and walk to the stall only to see the seat pissed on all over it. THEN you have to either make that split second decision whether to wipe that seat or squat over it in hopes the diarrhea **** doesn't run down your leg...


Now that would just be embarrassing/awkward to have someone walk over to you and see that.

You could always wipe the seat off and then build a nest to be safe...

Quote:
Originally Posted by GrumpyStang
When I was about 10 in Gulf Shores we were sitting on the beach waiting to watch the firework show on July 4th and a big **** storm hit me. They only had those portable toilets on the beach so I had to rush over there only to be greeted by a GIANT ****ING LINE. So I waited and when it was finally my turn to use the toilet I get in there and pull my pants and without my control my **** just starts pouring out my *** and I'm not even sitting on the ****ing toilet. It's just dripping down my leg and all in my bathing suit. I don't know what to do so naturally i yell "Dad" and he comes over and looks and just starts laughing at me and told me to walk to the ocean quick and rinse off in it. So i listen to him for some reason and walk back to the ocean DRIPPING IN **** and sit down. I'm the only one sitting out there and the waves are just beating on me and probably forcing **** into my mouth. Fun 4th of july right?

Oh yeah. The waves ended up being to high so the ships couldn't set off the fireworks because it was unsafe for them.



rofllmmfao

 

Read both threads lol 1 our later here i am.... i was poundin tha computer desk laughing haha

 

OMG I COULDNT STOP LAUGHING SOOO FUNNNNYYYY


I hadn't realized how supremely ****-housed I was until we stumbled into our room at the Embassy Suites. You ever been so drunk you forgot that you have to **** until the last minute? Well I was at that stage. I nearly had my pants completely off when SlingBlade snaked past me and got into the toilet first. Fine, I go get out of my bar clothes and change into a t-shirt and pink Gap boxers to sleep in. I wait patiently for about three minutes, then I start pounding on the door, screaming at him that I am going to **** on his bed if he doesn't get out of there.

A short time later he opens the door laughing his *** off, and says, "That was perhaps the most prodigious **** ever. I just put that toilet into therapy."

I take a gander into the bathroom. It looks like Revelations. The toilet is overflowing, brown **** water is spilling out all over the bathroom floor, and the tank is making demonic gurgling noises.

THE MOTHER****ER CLOGGED UP A HOTEL TOILET!

Hotel toilets are industrial size; they are designed to be able to accommodate repeated elephant-sized ****s, and their ram-jet engine flushes generate enough force to suck down a human infant, yet skinny *** 170-pound SlingBlade completely killed ours.

I nearly panic. I let loose a flurry of unintelligible curse words at SlingBlade, punctuated by a "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!," and knock over the lamp in my dash out of the room. The turtle is sticking his head out, and he is coming whether I am on a toilet or not.

I figure that there must be a bathroom somewhere in the lobby, so I shoot down the hall and hop in the elevator. Once in the lobby I can't seem to spot a bathroom anywhere. So, I head around the corner to the front desk, which doesn't face the lobby. It's about 4am, and no one is at the desk. I furiously hit the bell for at least a minute--CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG --until some poor lady comes out with sleep lines all over her face and tells me that the bathroom in the corner of the lobby.

It is hard to describe, so let me give you an aerial picture of what the lobby looks like:



I turn the corner from the front desk into the lobby and realize I don't know which side of the triangular lobby she is talking about. I don't have time to go back and ask her, and I see a white door at the end of the left-hand side, so I quickly waddle towards it. Why am I waddling? Because I have to physically hold my butt cheeks together to prevent myself from crapping all over my pink Gap boxers. I am literally pressing my *** cheeks together with my hands. One of the prouder moments of my life.

I nearly bust the door off it's hinges as I plow through it. I hear a loud, "AYYYY!!," that almost literally scares the **** out of me. I jump back to see that this is a janitor's closet, complete with a small Mexican lady janitor. I momentarily contemplate taking a dump in the janitors bucket, but decide against that, mainly because of the presence of said female janitor.

I try to be as diplomatic as possible, considering that I am about to crap my pants:

Tucker "WHERE IS THE BATHROOM?"
Janitor "No, no se habla Ingles."
Tucker "WHAT?!? Huh, uh...DONDE ESTA ****ING BANO?"
Janitor "AYA, AYA!"

She points across the lobby. About 60 yards from where I am standing, at the complete other end of the lobby, there is a set of doors that have a large "Restroom" sign over them. Right where the front desk lady said it would be, except on the opposite side of the lobby.

I have about half a second to make a crucial decision: I can either sprint and hope I make it there before I **** in my boxers, or I can stick my thumb up into my *** and shuffle the 60 yards to lavatory freedom. The decision is simple: I break into a full-on dead-*** sprint.

I am a decent athlete, I played football, baseball and basketball in high school, and I stay in good shape. I have run from cops before, I have run from guard dogs, from a legitimate drive-by shooting once while in Kentucky, but I don't think I have ever run that fast in my life. Nothing motivates like the prospect of being covered in human excrement.

Unfortunately, I was not fast enough. It went something like this:

-20 yards into the run I feel my boxers start to sag.
-30 yards into the run, about halfway, I feel my *** crack and legs get noticeably wet.
-40 yards into the run, my boxers have slid down to mid thigh. I am struggling to keep it together.
-50 yards into the run, I can feel wetness all over me and little specs of something hitting the back of my head and ears.

By the time I get to the bathroom door, the end of the 60 yards, I have completely lost it.

I am ****ting myself. Full on crapping in my pink Gap boxers.

I step out of my boxers as I crash through the door. **** is puddled in the seat. I blindly hurl them away from me, and nearly break the door to the first stall. I plop down on the seat and immediately slide off, because my *** is covered in slimy, runny feces. All the while, my butt hole is spouting forth waste. I finally get situated on the toilet and lose perhaps 20 pounds in the next 2 minutes.

During a short respite in my nearly superhuman flow of crap, I notice that the toilet is almost completely full of ****, so I flush. Predictably, the toilet overflows. Great. I move to the next stall, and continue my little adventure, except this time I courtesy flush every few seconds.

By the time I finish, I am physically exhausted, completely dehydrated, and my eyes are tearing up from ****ting so hard. I laugh at the inadequacy of toilet paper to clean my body. I take my shirt off and see that the back of it is completely covered in little specks of **** that my heels kicked up from the diarrhea that ran down my legs as I ran. I throw the shirt in the trash, and then see the mirror. My pink Gap boxers are crumpled in a ball on the sink, with a thick black streak leading from the top of the mirror down to them. This is their final resting place.

Completely naked and covered in my own poop, I chuckle, because at this point if I don't laugh I have to cry. As I open the bathroom door to the lobby, I think to myself, "Who else on earth could be having a worse night than me?"

My question is immediately answered.

I see a trail of ****, starting very wide at my feet, getting progressively smaller until it apexes at the chunky white shoes of none other than the small Mexican lady janitor.

Her eyes met mine. We may have been separated by numerous religious, language and socioeconomic barriers, but the "What the **** just happened?" expression on her face crossed all boundaries.

Now really--picture this scene: I am butt-*** naked, crap plastered all over my ***, legs, back and head, standing about 20 yards away from a Mexican maid, with a trail of black liquid **** leading from her directly to me. What would you do? I wasn't sure. I don't think there is any defined etiquette for this situation.

I shrug my shoulders, say, "Uhh, sorry. I mean, uh--lo siento. Good night. Buenos noche--or whatever," and calmly walk to the elevator.

From the glass window in the elevator, I can see her sobbing. The rest of the lobby tells me why: Not only had my legs kicked **** up on the back of my ears and head, they had sprayed little specs of poop all over EVERYTHING. The couches, the walls, everywhere.

Come to think of it, she wasn't sobbing. I believe "hysterical crying" would be a better descriptive term. Oh well, someone has to clean up my messes, and it sure as **** isn't going to be me.

When I get back to the room, SlingBlade is already in bed. He rolls over, takes one look at me and, never one for sympathy, begins laughing uncontrollably. He literally has to stop laughing because he strains his abdominal muscle. It takes him five whole minutes before he can get the words out,

SlingBlade "Where--where the **** are your pants?"
Tucker "**** YOU *******. This is all your fault, Mr. Rhino Dump. If you hadn't had that miscarriage in our toilet I wouldn't be COVERED IN ****!"

He couldn"t stop laughing long enough to respond. I took what remained of my dignity and got in the shower. As I was cleaning the poop off my back, I could hear him yell out:

"This is clear proof that there is a God, and he is just!"

 

HA HA! Oh god, should not have read that at work. I'm crying laughing at my desk.

 

Croninc. Greatest quote to ever be quoted

 

it totally is im showing all my friends lol

 

wouldnt say the best thred ever but pretty funny

 

can someone ban this guy? =)