Anyone who has ever used Haynes can relate to this...

Here's a list of Haynes terms and their real world meanings.


Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with vise-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a chance in hell!

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy some WD40 (industrial size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass part off, now go get some good pliers to dig out the rest out.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because this can not be 'lightly' what you are doing now.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One wrench rating.
Translation: Your mom could do this... so how did you manage to jack it up?

Haynes: Two wrench rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, itty-bitty number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three wrench rating.
Translation: But vehicles are easy to maintain right... right?

Haynes: Four wrench rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you newb!

Haynes: Five wrench rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to move it afterwards!!!

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!


Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage for it whilst muttering "FU(K" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Pry away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!
(wtf is a drift?)

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an AAA Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!

 

nice... [sm=funnypostabove.gif] you write this yourself?

 

ROFLMAO! Thanks street I needed a good laugh today.

 

thats good stuff right there..

 

I L'd MAO at that. I've been through most of those and thought much the same thing. Doing halfshafts on my rolla and the manual says to pry the drivers side out, and tap the passenger. I pried that thing for two hours until I finally got fed up and tapped it once and it popped out. Did you do those translations yourself? I'd like to post that on my site and I try to always give credit.

 

holy crap. i was laughing so hard at that, then i started reading them to my wife, and she laughed when i got to "compress" and said that was me. i had to agree.

 

Wow that was great. I read it to a friend and he didnt get it... but then again im the only gearhead in my highschool. Proud of it too. Haha!

 

ROFLMFAO that's the **** but those were faves because i know them all too well[&:]

 

I think they are so funny because they are TRUE!!!!!

still ROTFLMFAO!!!!

 

A drift is a drift pin punch, also know as an aligning punch...
Funny stuff thou!