I havea ton of these...



A group from Chicago spent a weekend gambling in
Las Vegas. One of the men on that trip won
$100,000.

He didn't want anyone to know about it, so he
decided not to return with the others, but took
a later plane home -- arriving back 3 a.m.

He immediately went out to the backyard of his
house, dug a hole and planted the money in it.
The following morning he walked outside and found
only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading
from the hole to the house next door, which was
owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a
professor who understood sign language and was a
friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the
enraged man went to awaken the professor and
dragged him to the deaf man's house.

'You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me
back my $100,000 I'm going to kill him!' he
screamed at the professor.

The professor conveyed the message to his friend,
and his friend replied in sign language, 'I hid
it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree.'

The professor turned to the man with the gun and
said, 'He's not going to tell you. He said he'd
rather die first.'

 

hahahahahahaaa

"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner had great ****."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE"
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC"
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK"
Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

 

I dont even understand mobstas things.

 

The first one the guy is more concerned with his bike leaking oil than he is about his wife cheating on him but reading through the whole thing it seems like he is writing to a women in a magazine column for help about his wife cheating.

The second one there are 3 ppl, the guy who won 100k and buried it, his deaf and mute (can't talk or hear) neighbor who stole the money then the professor who knows sign language (so he can communicate with the deaf mute.) The guy who won the money needed the professor to ask the neighbor where the money was, he told him so the professor knows where the money is but the guy it belongs to still doesn't know where it is so the professor told him that the neighbor wouldn't tell him where the money is so he will kill him and then the professor could go get the money for himself...

 

What do a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce have in common?
...
Someone is going to lose a trailer.

 

^LMFAO

What does a gynecologist and a pizza boy have in common?

They can smell it but they can't have it.


[IMG]local://upfiles/12015/D98317C1CE9543BC97982DE50F8760B6.jpg[/IMG]

 

Have you ever seen stevie wonder's wife?
































...neither has he

 

A successful gyneocologist decided one day he was bored with doing and seeing
the same thing everyday... He'd always secretly wished he could work all day at
his first love - wrenching on old cars. He had plenty of money in the bank, and
had made a lot of money on some good investments, so he determined now was the
time!
He first enrolled in a school to relearn the basics of being a mechanic. He was
in heaven! Towards the end of the course, the instructor gave each of the
students a final test - take an engine apart, down to the last nut and bolt,
then put it back together again. The big day came, and the former OB-GYN was
ready.
The next day, he received his test score and was shocked to see 150%.
'Wow! I've never scored that high on a test before. How can this be possible?'
He approached the instructor and said humbly 'Thank you for the generous score
on my final, but - why is it so high?' The instructor slapped him on the back
and said, 'Well, I gave you 50% for dismanteling the engine, 50% for putting it
back together again - which you did very well, by the way. And I gave you the
additional 50% for doing it all through the tailpipe!'

 

hahaha I deliver pizza, I use that line every day lol

 

^^^ that was was funny lol, i think this thread should be the offical funny jokes thread!